Whizzy busy this week but things are beginning to fall quietly into place without bloodshed or disaster, although I did drop a large slab of dead tree on my hand yesterday. It still throbs slightly but I am being fearfully brave. I spent yesterday in the sunshine cutting hazel branches as plant supports while listening to an excellent podcast about the History of Rome: a combination of activities that I heartily recommend to you all.
Went to London today for an important Three Men Went To Mow summit meeting. We had suddenly realised that we have live appearances looming at both Grand Designs Live (May 3rd) and at the marvellous Malvern Spring Show (May 6th-8th – which, as Michelle’s relentless counter keeps telling me is now only forty-five days away). We also need to make a special film for the RHS Chelsea Flower Show website. So, after, convening at Joe’s gaff we now have some pretty nifty content sketched out for your entertainment and education.
Other happenings:
I have a nasty case of writer’s block. I am trying very hard to rattle out a piece for a publication that will remain nameless (I don’t want them to go off me) and it is as if I am plucking every phrase from a thick bed of treacle. So I decided to come here and drivel for a bit: it is odd how easy it is to write this blog where nobody is trying to give me any guidance or anything. I can just rattle along and the words flow like olive oil, usually I could go on for ages (sometimes I do) as one thought just merges into another: writing to time and to subject is sometimes sticky.(i)
Three Men Went To Mow have a shiny website. (ii) I was built by my esteemed colleague Mr Cleve West and is a depository for all the 3 Men films, news about live appearances etc. There is a particularly good picture of Joe and I with Rolf Harris of which we are singularly proud. This year we will be endeavouring to have our photograph taken with as many random stars of light entertainment as possible: in particular Gloria Hunniford and Bruce Forsyth. We will also sneak in occasional extra films that will only be available there rather than on YouTube. The first one is up now and I thought I could probably get away with showing it here as well.
On my recent visit to Wisley (documented here and commented on, I notice, by various people who were not on the guest list: one managed, by force of will and possibly witchcraft, to make one of our number stub his toe) I could not help but be impressed by the prominently displayed book selection which, you will notice, includes my entire literary oeuvre – or, as it is singular, it should probably be oeuf. I could not help but notice that the Award Winning author and photographer’s book was conspicuously absent. I did run down a single copy in the end holding down a faulty cistern cover in the staff lavatories.
Matthew Appleby seems to be on a roll in his latest HW Blog I am running UKIP and in the previous one I was cuddling up to Peter Sutcliffe, The Krays and Robert Mugabe. Still, I suppose it makes him happy and if it were any funnier I might laugh. And he does have a remarkably fine looking baby
By the way, does anybody want a part time job? I have need of an assistant to prevent myself from getting snowed under. Jobs include drawing, Vectorworks wrangling, plant hunting, organising etc. It would be good if you lived quite close. In return I will give you some money and the health benefits of my beaming smile. I am as yet unsure how many days or how often.
I am listening to Kids by Ed Harcourt.
This time last year I was lecturing in Edinburgh and communing with Penguins.
The picture is of one of the large bolts that support Hammersmith Bridge.
(i) You will be pleased to know that I have now cracked it and it has been dispatched.
(ii) According to The Garden Monkey it looks like a cut price Gay dating site. Which seems a tiny bit unfair: I would have thought we were at least Grade 2. She Skipped Happily Through The Ironmongery Department Monday, 22 March 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010 – 11:45 PM
fairegarden
Maybe you should just pretend your writing assignments are for the blog? Flowing like olive oil is a fine way to put words on paper, or space. So sorry about your hand, do keep up the brave show, good role model for the young. Three Men is really becoming the thing, maybe you will be able to support your family with the income in a short time and not have to worry about these other gigs.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 07:58 AM
Esther Montgomery
You might like to know that on my screen (and, therefore, presumably on others’ too) the gadget for showing a video is sitting on some of the text so it can’t be read.
Hope your toe’s better.
Esther
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 09:01 AM
Mr Uku
Yup, the video is on top of the text in my browser too.
In other news, I completely agree about it being easier to blog for free than to write for money. My recent post, concerning how hard I am finding it to write in a house full of builders, mess and noise, ran to over 750 words and was written in a matter of minutes.
Meanwhile, paying clients will have to wait as I’m having far too much fun bitching and eating cakes and biscuits.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 09:30 AM
HappyMouffetard
I think more people should advertise for employees in their blogs. You obviously get the ‘right sort’ of people finding out about the role. Sadly, I would be entirely incompetent at the role, and I can’t even make a decent cup of tea. Oh, and I abhore Jaffa Cakes.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 09:56 AM
The Ultimate Assistant
I have told the Bedsock to start looking for a house near you so I will be eligible to be your part-time assistant. I am soft, fragrant, loveable, good at writing letters of complaint and keeping people in order. I am also 100% cahmere. I have a special relationship with Chris Beardshaw. Will it be alright if I bring my kitten along to play in the garden whilst I’m working? A
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 10:04 AM
Deb
I think I would be quite good at that job. Apart from the drawing bit. And Vectorworks wrangling. Is that some form of wrestling?
However, I am a bit concerned that you have some important kit in your poessession, namely a Hammersmith Bridge bolt. Won’t the bridge be a bit wobbly now? And how did you come by it? And why aren’t any of your other commenters bothered by this?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 10:46 AM
Lia Leendertz
I am truly sorry about the toe-stubbing thing, and – honestly – the dead bit of wood falling on hand thing has NEVER worked before. Sometimes I dont know my own evil strength.
I havent got the job, have I?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 11:18 AM
Carrie
Ah James, my own usually impeccable wit and wisdom fail me today. There are obviously many things in this that require commenting on but…erm…I too have a terrible case of writer’s block, in fact I have ‘everything block’ I can barely be bothered to breathe.
Hugs x
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 12:00 PM
MarkD
Carrie, its just that this ones a bit crapper than usual. Wait til he musters up a funny one rather than this filler and youll find loads to say.
Entirely unrelated, I can hardly blame the stockists if demand for my book outstrips reasonable expectations.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 12:05 PM
Ben Dark
Would the successful candidate be given a uniform? Something peaked-capped and leather-gloved? And a proper title? Plant Hunter General and Keeper of the Vectorworks, maybe? I in that case – I’ll take it!
In my first move as Power Behind the Throne I’d like you to change my employment brief from ‘organizing’ to ‘enforcing’, garden designers with leather-gloved henchmen don’t need to be punctual.
Now get back to writing!! Sinister horticultural empires don’t fund themselves.
P.S No more beaming smiles, you’ll make us look ridiculous.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 12:14 PM
Helen
Finely got to read your post. I am a whizz at organising and plant hunting but rubbish at drawing and vector works plus live on tother side of Midlands – blast. Oh well better get back to the proper job.
Michelle’s counter is worrying me as well due to imminent arrival of gardening people at my house – must get the windows boarded up and back door key lost so no one can see back garden.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 12:50 PM
Dawn
Ooooh yes – if you have some natty unifiorms I’m up for a job share with Ben. I’m thinking High Priestess of the Drawing Board and Keeper of the Biscuit Tin. The commute is feasible, but I’ll have to bring Archie. Still, this could add to the fear factor – he can destroy both bulbs and ear drums at the drop of a hat which can prove a useful threat if someone’s witholding your Sarcococca.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 01:51 PM
Liz
I have to agree that thinking of paid written articles as being for your blog… Of course it may be difficult to get around any constraints they have on the piece…
Now, communing with Penguins does sound interesting… What did they tell you? The meaning of life perhaps?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010 – 10:29 PM
Le Singe
Yea, moi aussi – can’t get into the text
Wednesday, March 24, 2010 – 02:06 AM
the Manic Gardener
I’ve never commented on a post I hadn’t read, but thought I’d give it a shot. I haven’t read it because it won’t load. Whereas for some the video is sitting on top of text; for me, it’s sitting in the midst of an otherwise open space. At the top appear the words “Blg 3 Men Went To Mow,” and then there’s a lot of nothing, then the video, then a bit more nothing, then the comments. It’s fascinating, trying to reconstruct what you wrote from the comments.
And by the way, whatever that job is for, count me out.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010 – 03:57 AM
Christine B.
Everyone knows writer’s block is gotten through by shaving one’s legs. I am now writing a brilliant piece on clowns and gardening as a result of this method.
Christine in Alaska
Wednesday, March 24, 2010 – 03:27 PM
jro
I think the late Spring is the cause of your writer’s block – the year hasn’t ‘flowed’ as it normally does.
I do sympathise re the plant sourcing – so many good nurseries don’t have websites, which makes plant finding very hard. We do have a lot of very good nurseries around us, though.
I would do it very willingly, but you will have to move to the Suffolk/Norfolk border. I have a constant supply of jaffa cakes, but you may have to fight my son (15 today) for them.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010 – 09:00 PM
Mr. McGregor’s Daughter
The cure for writer’s block must be more writing. At least that’s what Hemingway thought. Although it must be difficult to type with a sore hand. Hunt & peck can’t be good for word flow.
If I lived closer than a transcontinental flight away, I’d apply for the position. I could use a part time gig for pay now that I’ve abandoned the law. There just aren’t any around here for plant hunters. It seems they expect people to fly off to China to hunt for plants (the nerve!). So glad I have a Mac & the video fits properly.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010 – 09:19 PM
Le Singe
Do you remember Golden Girls? From whence this:
Blanche: “I have writer’s block. It’s the WORST feeling in the WORLD!”
Sophia: “Try going 10 days without a bowel movement some time.”
Friday, March 26, 2010 – 04:47 AM
Grits
There is a lot to do around here but I’m all under dr’s orders to take it easy. I’m missing my gall bladder now–well not missing it all–and my life is anew. Sorry you got the blocks–and if I could, I’d give you some word love. You gotta visit NC for that–cause it has to given in person.
Did you know a bully tried to take my fgg name–I’m back in control now–it took a year of bold blatant kick in the shins ugliness–but I got my url back. Aren’t your proud of me?
I’m not on twitter cause I can’t keep up so I don’t know how your figure skating is going–but I hope your team did well at the olympics–you did go compete right?
Hugs luvs–Grits
Friday, March 26, 2010 – 05:48 PM
James
Frances: I’ve tried that but they don’t like me rambling off on one about men’s heads or Sun-In. We need a US Tour for 3Men: please organise your end. Maybe ask the President next time you see him.
Esther: I hope you got to see it in the end. Apologies for mystery hiccups.
Mr Uku: It is a peculiar phenomenon: I would like somebody to secretly pay me to write my blog. But I must never know as if I did it would be much more difficult to write. Perhaps they could just put the money in my jacket pocket when I wasn’t looking.
HM:Unfortunately I only get frivolous responses (except one which would have been lovely except that the applicant was unable to draw). I will keep trying.
Deb: The bolt goes beautifully with the bung I removed from the Titanic.
Lia: You would have the job if I felt that I could harness your uncanny powers for the good of mankind. Sadly, though I think that, sooner or later, they would burst through the force field and injure innocent passers by. Also I would eat too many flapjacks and end up looking like Jabba The Hut
Carrie: You poor thing. I hope that by now your blockages have dissipated and the bounce has returned.
MarkD: Thank you for your constant support. I know a great joke about a chicken crossing the road but I am saving it until I get really desperate.
Ben: This is more like it: you are exactly the sort of applicant I was hoping for. Uniforms, boots, wrap around sunglasses, handguns, blackjacks etc. Beaming smiles are history: am practising sinister sneers.
Friday, March 26, 2010 – 09:53 PM
MarkD
is the chicken joke the one about the mens loos?
Saturday, March 27, 2010 – 11:22 PM
Juliet
Obviously I need to get together with Manic Kate as I can see all of your post except for the video – there is a big blank space where that should be. I will investigate your shiny website and see whether I can view it there instead.
I would love the job if I were well enough – perhaps you could advance me some beaming smiles so that we can test their health benefits? I doubt they would cure ME but they’d probably be more helpful than the NHS.
If you have any spare seconds in your whizzy schedule and it’s not too cheeky of me to ask, I would really value any suggestions you might have regarding my bare bit – details on my blog.
Sunday, March 28, 2010 – 01:11 PM
James
Helen: Pity: we could definitely do with a bit of Patience round here. i hope you are charging all these Bloggers for access to your garden. Or they could at least do the weeding.
Dawn: I would have thought you have enough uniforms what with your many positions as Village Putter-Up of Posters. Garden Designer in Residence and Officer in Charge of Horticultural Brainwashing for the Under Tens. Biscuit keeping is not in the job description: I am quite capable of wityholding my own biscuits.
Liz: Penguins, thought charming, have really bad breath so I missed most of their wise words.
Le Singe: Apologies. Technology is often baffling.
Kate: Very kind of you to drop by and I apologise for lack of content. Mind you, empty blog posts are very time efficient.
Christine: That is a cure I have yet to try. Next time. Is it wise to shave legs in Alaska? surely you need all the insulation you can get.
jro: To blame it on a late Spring is a tempting excuse but I fear it is mostly to do with stagnant brain syndrome!
MMD: Hunt and peck is my default setting for typing I am afraid. Sometimes, when on a roll, I use a second finger but that always feels a bit risky. Everybody seems to live too far away to apply for my job. Swizz.
Le Singe (redux): Nice.
Grits: How very careless of you to lose a gall bladder.Please be more careful with your organs in future! Glad you are feeling better.
Figure skating was a bit of a washout: my triple salko went completely to pot…
MarkD; No the one about a refrigerator and a packet of sherbert lemons.
Juliet: Sorry about that. Will go and look at your bare bits.
Sunday, March 28, 2010 – 08:49 PM
James
Madame La Sock: I do apologise but somehow I missed you off the previous list. I think it may have been shock at the idea of your cat invading my office. I see through you though. I know that if I allowed you and Spook here you would suddenly find a reason to excuse yourself and that would be the last I saw of you.
No delightful Cashmere assistant just a small evil eyed kitten chewing my possessions.
And a collection of cut out Beardshaw cherubs scattered over the carpet.
Monday, March 29, 2010 – 10:26 AM
Didn’t even get an interview….
I had noticed that I had been completely overlooked for the job and had been feeling thoroughly aggrieved and sorry for myself – not to mention a little paranoid. Perhaps in order to make up for the pain you have put me through you could just take the kitten? He really is quite sweet and plays fetch all the time and likes to get you in a Vulcan death grip when he is ‘cuddling’ and wipe his wet nose on yours and then bite your nose and cute stuff like that. He doesn’t make bad smells like he used to either.